Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop this week didn’t really strike me at first. It wasn’t until I went back to it and re-read the prompts that one finally jumped out at me. “The Popular Girls” is the prompt that I am going to write about today, but it’s not going to be a fun-times oh-how-i-loved-school kind of post.
I wrote once about how my childhood was really not a great childhood (see here for reference). I actually can’t remember a lot of my grade school days…I think I’ve blocked them out or something, but I know they weren’t good. School was hard for me. Really hard. I didn’t have many friends, my mom and I didn’t have a lot of money and I often got made fun of for that reason. It didn’t help that I was scrawny, geeky and wore glasses.
Of course I can tell you where I went to school and I can tell you who my teachers were (mostly) and a few key points from grade school, but if you asked me about almost any detail from second to fourth grade, I can’t tell you. I must have been okay in Kingergarten and First grade, because I haven’t lost those memories. I do remember one story from Fourth Grade that really shaped me into who I am as a parent, I think. This is where the popular girls come in.
I was in Fourth Grade. I was skinny, scrawny, geeky and all around awkward. My teacher was Mrs. Height (that’s probably not spelled right, but that’s how you said it). She was an evil teacher, but always pretended to be nice (she once told me my mother didn’t care about my education because she took me to visit my grandparents during the school year…even though I did all my homework on the plane). There was a time when my shoes had holes in them. They were not falling apart and they did me just fine. I hadn’t begged my mother for new shoes and been told “no” or anything. They were just kids shoes with holes in them. It happens. Well, Mrs. Height
thought that they were simply horrid and that I should not be wearing them and that clearly my mother was too poor to afford new shoes. So, she brought in a pair of sandals for me. I thought these sandals were awesome (this was before I knew how evil Mrs. Height was) and I loved them. So, I wore them. I didn’t think anything of it.
Then the “popular girls” found out where these shoes had come from. I was on the playground one day at recess playing with a girl that I was pseudo-friends with. Then the “popular girls” came up and announced to my ‘friend’ and anyone else listening that I was poor and that Mrs. Height had to buy me shoes. Somehow, this translated into everyone laughing and my ‘friend’ instantly running away as if I was a leper. I have never felt so embarassed and I didn’t even really understand why I should be embarassed. I knew that my mother and I didn’t have a lot of money, but we weren’t destitute or anything. We had food on the table, clothes on our backs and a roof over our heads. We were happy at home. It was school that was a nightmare. My mother took me out that night after I told her what happened and she bought me some new shoes…with lights on them…..suckers.
The point of this story is this…I remember that day on the playground and I don’t want my girls to ever experience anything even remotely close to it. So, I buy them lots of new clothes whenever I can. I make sure they have clothes that fit and that are stylish (and yes, Old Navy and Walmart are just fine by them, thanks). I make sure that they don’t wear clothes with stains or holes. I go without new pants so that I can buy them five pairs. Do I spoil them? No. Do I run around in raggedy clothes? No. But, I do make sure that they at least don’t stand out because of their clothes. When they get older and can choose their own clothes, I will buy them the styles they choose (as long as they don’t choose booty-cutters or anything that makes baby Jesus cry). I will allow them to express themselves. But, they will never be singled out because Mommy can’t afford clothes.
As a retired educator with experience teaching fourth grade, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Schools call it the “mean girl syndrome” now, and it can be vicious with all the new technology available to them. I would much rather break up a fight between boys then deal with girls who thought they made themselves more popular at the expense of someone else. See, you got my blood boiling this morning!
Judy recently posted..Back on Track
[Reply]
Lindsay Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 9:04 am
More kids need teachers on their side than just teachers on the sidelines. I think teachers too often ignore this kind of bullying, even though it can do just as much emotional damage as any physical bullying can.
[Reply]
What a heartbreaking story. I can so imagine how you must have felt that day on the playground.
It is hard to walk the line between not spoiling our kids yet protecting them from evil children. Sounds like you are doing a good job.
debbie recently posted..Food and Families
[Reply]
What a great, great story. Sad that at even young ages, kids define self-worth by what others are wearing? How do we stop that in our own kids? Sounds like you’re on a great track to making sure they don’t stand out for the wrong reasons, but also instilling in them the right ones.
The best character in the world is developed through hardships, I think.
Crystal recently posted..You Think I’m HOW Big?!?
[Reply]
When I was in junior high/early high school, labels were a big thing. You even needed one on your socks. I did manage to have a lot of these, but they came from thrift stores. No one knew, but I was so afraid that they would find out.
When I taught middle school, I secretly gave one of my students some of my clothes b/c she couldn’t afford the cool stuff(I was only 24 at the time, so I was still stylish). No one ever found out, though.
[Reply]
I’m so sorry you experienced that. I am fortunate I never did and never saw it until I was an adult.
Peggy recently posted..Commercials.
[Reply]
Are you me?
Seriously, when I was in fifth grade, I got the coolest pair of brand new high top sneakers for Christmas. They were so cool. I’d never had anything new before, just hand-me-downs and things from the thrift store.
Turns out that some of the other kids in my class (with the help of the teacher I am sure) took pity on me, pooled money, bought the shoes and gave them to my parents. I was mortified. To this day, I still hate high tops.
Gwen recently posted..More than one blog! Absurd!
[Reply]
Lindsay Reply:
June 17th, 2010 at 6:12 pm
Actually, I think this is a super sweet story. I realize that it was probably horribly embarrassing as a child, but it shows that those kids you grew up with had love in their heart, rather than hatred.
[Reply]
Sigh.
Kids are so horrible.
I am terrified of the day that my kids start grammar school. Seriously. And I am right there with you when it comes to making sure that my children do not stand out from the crowd. It’s funny how our own experiences so dramatically shape how we raise our kids.
-Francesca
Mayhem and Moxie recently posted..Letters to the Boot: Ode to Technology
[Reply]
Lindsay- this is Lindsay #1 over at the Mommy Place on FB.
Thank you, thank you for posting this! I was raised by a single mom too, we didnt have a lot of money and while in my elementary years kids didnt make fun of me for lack of cool clothes (that came in 6th grade) I feel the EXACT same way as you do about my kids clothes. I didnt really understand my obsession with them having cute, stylish, matching clothes at first. Then, it dawned on me one day…..it was my own insecurities growing up that caused me to be so tuned in to not letting that happen to my own kids.
Do you mind if I link back to this in an upcoming post on my blog. It wont be for another 3 Thursdays but I’ll let ya know when I do.
[Reply]
Lindsay Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 8:23 pm
How could I mind? Please link it up so that we can spread the love!
Thanks for your comment, Lindsay. It really means a lot to hear others’ stories.
[Reply]