My dear friend Laura, from My 3 Ring Circus of a Life is positively a hoot! I haven’t spent hours on the phone with anyone in a very long time, but with her? It’s bad, people. But that’s not the point. Today, she’s guest blogging for me and, seriously, this is no laughing matter. Laura is going through what so many women have to deal with day in and day – weight loss struggles. Her struggle has been long and hard-fought. Today, I am lucky enough to have her sharing her story in this space and telling the world her story as she prepares for gastric bypass surgery.

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True story:

I’ve always been the kid who was different in class. If it wasn’t my skin color, it was my quirks. If it wasn’t my quirks, it was my size. At first, I was just taller. Then, I was the chunky kid. Let’s not get into the fact that I was the only adopted kid I knew…

But let’s get back to the chunky part.

From an early age, I was on a diet. Seriously. I even had a drawer (at age 10!) of clothes that I could wear “If I got thinner.”

I got so sick of hearing about my weight from everyone that I rebelled. I didn’t care. I’d get skinnier over the summer when I spent my days at camp stomping around and then stay that way through swim team season, but then the weight would come back. And I stopped caring.

Didn’t help that I had some people around me who could COOK. Seriously.

 So, I learned to be just fine with me as I was. Chunky girl and all. I always looked decent and hey-I was the jeans and thermal girl anyhoo. I didn’t go for the high end, so who cares. As long as I could fit into my favorite jeans, I didn’t care.

 Then, I went to college and moved out. I was on my own nutritionally. I had to figure out how to budget and let me tell you-getting paid MONTHLY (not kidding. Teachers in California get paid MONTHLY.) is not easy. You have to sometimes figure out what can give-and unfortunately, that’s the food area. So, I ate like garbage toward the end of the month. Right around payday SUCKED. I was living on pasta, soup and some veggies, only because we ran through the stockpiles and were waiting to get paid. Argh!

So, I gained some weight.

Just a few pounds.

and then a few more, and a few more.

I justified this by saying if I just stay under (insert arbitrary number here), I’ll be just fine.

Then, I’d break that arbitrary number and set ANOTHER arbitrary number.

and that just went on and on and on and on.

So, finally, it became NOT ok anymore.

When?

When I couldn’t fit on a ride that I wanted to go on.

When I couldn’t take the horse ride that I wanted to take and I knew I was capable.

So, then started the diet game. I did everything under the sun.

and failed.

I have some serious issues with diets. I have a family that can’t/won’t eat certain things (and that would be mainly my husband) and loves the junk. It’s hard to keep stuff out of the house and me not eat what’s IN the house.

Plus, I have what I call “shiny syndrome.” I start off all gung ho, but then something catches my eye, like that awesome ice cream, and I get all “SHINY!!” and eat that. Then, there goes the diet.

So, I procrastinated. And procrastinated. And Procrastinated some more.

(to those who know me well, procrastination is an art form with me. I work well under pressure. I even went so far as to do the Extemp event in Debate and Speech team in High school so I wouldn’t have to prep. I had to write it all in 30 minutes. Yeah. that was fun! No, that’s not sarcasm. )

I didn’t want to diet. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to!!

Now, during this time, I had 2 friends who had gastric bypass tell me how awesome they were doing and how it really worked. They too had failed diets, ect. I even watched one of them go through the prep. At that point, It wasn’t for me.

I made one more half-hearted attempt to diet. Even with one of my post gastric bypass buddies on board with me, we both were still a hot mess. Me more than her.

Then, it really hit me. Maybe I should just do this. Maybe I should just go for some form of weight loss surgery. Maybe this will be the thing that makes me just drop all of this extra “fluff” and get me back into rock climbing, horse riding and running amok like I like to do without worrying  that I won’t be able to do it.

So, the geek in me took over. I did all sorts of internet research and talked to everyone. I knew I wasn’t going to do the banding. Nope. Not happening.

The scientist in me says that having a foreign object in your body INTENTIONALLY is crazy.

But the other two options? Those just might….

Ok, time to pick up the phone.

I dialed the bariatric office that did my friends’ surgeries and got set up with the seminar.

and it began.

So began the whirlwind that I’ve been in for the past month and a half.

People think that this is the easy way out for weight loss. I’m telling you, this has been the most intense journey I’ve been on since the end of grad school. I took my Comprehensive exams pregnant. Yeah. that was..fun.

There are so many hoops to jump through before you can even GET to the surgical portion, that sometimes, you lose sight of the end of the road.

In the past 4 weeks, I’ve done the following:

• Sat through a 1.5 hour seminar that detailed all of the choices in procedures, risks, benefits and other information. It was mandatory. You had to sit through the entire thing. You also had to bring letters of medical necessity from your primary care doc, and in my case, my endocrinologist.
• Meet with the PA for intake and first appointment.
• meet with the surgeon
• start the diet to lose 10% of my body weight. This diet is the bane of my existence. I’m lamenting it. It’s restrictive, expensive and some days, makes paper look appetizing. Did I mention expensive?
• get a psychological clearance. Yes, I had to visit a psych. They had to determine that I wasn’t nuttier than I already am.
• Go and get a ton of testing done. This was evil. Upper GI, ultrasound of kidneys, gall bladder and liver, chest x-ray and a swallow study. I got off easy. Honestly. There are so many more tests that they can require. But I got off easy.
• WEEKLY weigh ins. Nothing produces more stress in me than the weekly weigh in. I’m fine during the week, but the night before the weigh in, I start to stress.  I need to keep on track, or surgery date goes POOF!

Yeah, I said it. If I don’t keep on track with the weight loss to lose the 10%, the surgery date goes POOF. I don’t want that to happen.

So, now, with 3 1/2 weeks to go to my 1/31 surgery date, I’m counting everything. Looking at everything I put in my mouth. I’m not the model pre gastric bypass diet patient. I’ve eaten latkes, pasta, cookies and other things…in insanely small quantities. BUT, I’ve done more of the protein shakes and “lean and green” meals that are required. Those lean and green? Tiny portions of protein and a ton of veggies. Can get insanely boring. BUUUTTT, I’ve found protein shakes with COFFEE! YAY!

That’s a small comfort in this insane process.

So, I’m 3-ish weeks away from a new me. I’m going to have rerouted plumbing and hopefully, be a lot smaller.

I”m not counting on this to make me happier…just healthier.